I hope to someday be able to give this to my parents (after reworking it a bit) to tell them how I feel. I thought I might as well just publish it out here first, its a stepping stone.
Here it is, a random apology to my parents for scaring them so much.
To start, I wish not to worry anyone with this note. I simply wish to convey my thoughts, as they have been pooling in my mind in need of some form of escape. The blunt topic of this is simply, I have not been truly happy for some time. I only hoping that in writing about this, I may be better able to understand my feelings. It is ironic, however, that I on more than one occasion have told a great friend of mine not to express their thoughts and emotions through writing, but instead to verbally and physically display them.
I guess the first thing that I want to talk about happened to me quite a while ago. Although ‘happened to me’ isn’t exactly the correct thing to say. In addition, this has been haunting me ever since it has happened. It was around the time of my trip to either Italy or Mexico. I believe it was Italy. It was probably around 2007 or 2008 and I would have been around 14-16. No, it must have been earlier because it was before the fire, which happened in 2007. In reality, I was probably closer to 13 or 14 years old. One of the stupidest things I have ever done is play the “choking game”. I remember I tried it in the downstairs bathroom. I blacked out, upon awakening, I felt blood dripping down the back/side of my head, and I saw a red ring from the rope around my neck. I was scared out of my mind! I ran upstairs to my mom, yelling and crying my eyes out. WTF had I just done?! My mom helped me to clean up but she knew something else was wrong. I don’t remember if it was that day or the day after but I remember sitting down and having a long talk about it. I think we had the talk the day after. But, I remember after getting cleaned up, I eventually told my mom what I did. It was the most unique experience I have ever had. I couldn’t keep lying to my mom, she was already suspicious. I remember being in my room, my mom just outside the door. I was formulating the words in my head, and as the words came out of my mouth, the tears swelled in my eyes, and I lost all ability to hear. It was like, my brain was trying to prevent me from hearing the truth from my own mouth. I told her “I played the choking game”. It was probably the saddest I have ever seen my mom. She broke down crying and I broke down too. I don’t remember how long it was before we embraced to support each other. But I seem to remember I went to embrace her, to support her, to comfort her. What had I done! She looked far more distraught, and saddened then even I was. I don’t remember much after that, other than the fact that I asked to sleep in her bed that night because I was haunted by the fresh memory of what I had just done. It was the next day that we sat down and had a long talk about it. It was hard for me to sit through it. I pulled the napkins off of the table where we were sitting and began to systematically rip them to shreds. Folding in half and tearing the napkins until the table was covered with tiny shreds. My hands, jaw, all my muscles kept clenching when she said the word. I don’t know where my dad was at that point, he was probably off on a business trip, but I made my mom promise that she wouldn’t tell dad. I couldn’t bear breaking his heart like that. After that, time went on but I never forgot about it. Each day I thought about it. It was taking over my mind and sanity. Soon we were on holiday and we were on a family vacation in either Italy or Mexico and I remember standing outside the house we rented and my mom approached me. She told me that, she had told my dad. I was angered, I was distraught, I was horrified. She promised me that she wouldn’t tell him! I asked what he did after she told him, and she said he just cried. My dad crying, the role model of my life. I don’t think I had ever seen him cry before. What had I done! I hated myself!
Even as I write this almost four years later it still haunts me, almost every day. It kills me inside to think of how badly I hurt my parents. To this day, I have never forgiven myself for what I have done, nor do I think that I will probably ever forgive myself for the agony I put my parent through. I wish to tell my parents, im so sorry, a million times over. But I know there is no way to erase how much I fucked up. I honestly love them so much and never intended to do anything to hurt them.
So this is part one, in a list of apologies that I would like to write and tell for all the stupid shit I have done.